Rabbi Michael Leo Samuel

Jewish Values Online sent me the following query: I have a question concerning sexuality: My wife likes harder sex and other things like that from time to time (but nothing extreme). What should I do? On a lighter note, I could recommend you follow the advice that God told Abraham: whatever Sarah says to you, do as she tells you . . . (Gen. 21:12). On a more somber and realistic note, it’s important to have a frank discussion about this issue with your beloved.

For those who are unfamiliar with this subject, here is a brief introduction that will attempt to explain the complexity of this widespread phenomena that exists in Western societies. According to psychologists, sadomasochism involves the giving and/or receiving of pleasure—often sexual—from acts involving the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation. The psychology of sadomasochism is complex. Part of a person’s psychology sometimes seeks submissiveness, or dominance. One could say that S&M views relationships and sexual intimacy in terms of power and control that influence much of people’s social behavior. In homes where a female often plays a submissive role, a female may choose to act out her fantasy of being dominant in a sexual relationship, or the reverse for a man.

While the terms sadist and masochist specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain (sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain (masochist), many practitioners of sadomasochism will alternate between these two modalities of behavior.

Jewish law does not always spell out every kind of sexual situation. We deduce laws based upon comparisons and sound reasoning. In general, Maimonides discusses the manner in which engages in sexual intimacy in the section entitled, The Laws of Forbidden Relations:

• Since a man’s wife is permitted to him, he may act with her in any manner that he desires. He may kiss any organ he desires,[1] engage in vaginal or anal intercourse or engage in physical intimacy without relations, provided he does not release seed in vain. Nevertheless, it is considered pious behavior for a person not to act frivolously concerning such matters and to sanctify himself at the time of intimacy, as explained in Hilchot Deot. He should not depart from the ordinary pattern of the world. For this act, was given solely for the sake of procreation.[2]

Would Maimonides approve of wearing a black blindfold, or a little slapping of the posterior? Probably not-because he feels that this would not add to the sanctity of lovemaking. However, Maimonides acknowledges that fantasy can have a role in a healthy relationship so long as one fantasizes only about one’s beloved (fantasizing about anyone else is morally wrong; nor should he have sex if he plans on divorcing her, or if he is angry with her, see MT Isurei Bi’ah 21:12).

Since a man and woman may make love any way they like, it seems to me that the lighter non-violent forms of S&M may conceivably be permitted according to this way of reading Maimonides.

There is a second rabbinical source also worth considering. Rabbi Akiba and Ben Azzai (ca. second century CE) argue on a topic that comes very close to this specific issue:

• What is the greatest precept of the Torah? Rabbi Akiba argues that it is the precept, You shall love your neighbor as yourself (Lev. 19:18).[3]
• Ben Azzai said: This is the list of the descendants of Adam. When God created humankind,he made them in the likeness of God (Gen 5:1). Do not say, “Since I have been put to shame, let my neighbor also be put to shame, for if you do so, know that you are shaming someone who is made in the likeness of God.”[4]

Based on this rabbinic controversy, one could say that Ben Azzai would oppose S&M since certain people might enjoy receiving pain; however, this does not entitle such a person with obvious masochistic tendencies to inflict his “pleasure” unto others—especially when it pertains to the relationship and a husband and wife have in the bedroom!

I would add that many psychologists think that sadistic and masochistic fantasies usually begin in childhood, and the disorders usually manifest in early adulthood. When associated with antisocial personality disorder, psychologists agree that it may result in serious injury to others or even death.

Ergo, hardcore S&M is definitely out of the question. Some lighter forms of S&M may be permissible. I must confess, for me this subject has little appeal, but here are some basic guidelines I suggest you and your wife discuss together.

Tying someone to the bed is probably fine so long as the ropes or twine does not leave marks in the skin. Whips and chains are definitely unacceptable. As is always the case, sexual intimacy must be consensual and based on that paradigm, anytime a person feels uncomfortable with a fantasy of S&M, the role-playing must end. I would also add that couples engaging in milder forms of S&M should keep a respectful distance from the S&M community, for what goes on in the bedroom must stay in the bedroom and not beyond. Limits must be defined and respected at all times. Such an attitude will obviously not mesh with much of the secular S&M culture, but Jewish ethics always demands that we treat one another compassionately and lovingly in the act of lovemaking.

In short, fantasy does have a place in sexual intimacy—a fact that Maimonides acknowledges, so long as one fantasizes only about one’s beloved. Therefore, it seems to me that consensual and playful S&M does not violate the norms of Jewish tradition—provided one does not get carried away with fantasy and remember the Other is never an object, but a feeling and responsive human being.