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100 One-Liners

  • A friend of mine sent me 100 one-liners:
  • You can’t ride two horses with one tuchas (one “ass”)
  • A pretty face is expensive.
  • 43% of all statistics are worthless.
  • 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
  • 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
  • A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
  • A bad plan is better than no plan.
  • A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  • A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
  • A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
  • A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
  • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
  • A gentleman is a patient wolf.
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
  • A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
  • A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
  • A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
  • A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
  • A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
  • A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
  • A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  • A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
  • A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
  • A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin
  • A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
  • A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  • A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
  • A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
  • A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
  • A witty saying proves nothing.
  • According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
  • Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
  • Adult: One old enough to know better.
  • After all is said and done, more is said than done.
  • Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
  • All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
  • All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
  • All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  • All work and no play, will make you a manager.
  • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  • Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
  • An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
  • An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
  • Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
  • Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
  • Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
  • Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
  • Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  • Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
  • Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
  • Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
  • Attitude determines your altitude.
  • Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
  • Bad spellers of the world untie!
  • Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
  • Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
  • Be naughty – save santa the trip.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
  • Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
  • Best viewed on my computer.
  • Better late than really late.
  • Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
  • Biology grows on you.
  • Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  • Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
  • Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
  • Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  • Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
  • Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
  • Clones are people two.
  • Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
  • Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
  • Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
  • Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
  • Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
  • Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
  • Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
  • Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
  • Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
  • Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
  • Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Does the noise in my head bother you?
  • Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.


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